The Meeting of the Blondes
by BrightWatcher
Summary: Legolas from Lord of the Rings. Draco from Harry Potter. Alyss from Ranger's Apprentice. Eragon from Inheritance Cycle. The poor unfortunates.
1. Meddling

**Author's Note: *bangs head* This is my fourth time uploading this… Hopefully everything's centered that's supposed to be centered…**

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the previously mentioned books/world/characters within. I merely own this fanfic and am making no profit from it.

Destination: Minas Tirith in Gondor in Middle Earth

Stuck with a silver radiance the White City of Gondor looked like a phantom from some forgotten realm. But the laughter of women and the sound of a flute in the distance was no pale apparition, it was real, it was life. Legolas Greenleaf was seated in one of the gardens under the top level of the city. To his left was Aragorn, the son of kings and one of his closest friends. His _best_ friend was a sharp tongued dwarf.

"Where is he?" Legolas wondered aloud.

Aragorn laughed, knowing who he meant, "He will be here any moment…"

Just then Gimli burst through the flowered archway. In his hand he grasped a tight scroll.

"Morning!" He puffed out. "Sorry I'm late. Some human in a dark cloak wanted me to give this scroll to you." Gimli took another breath and handed the blindingly white scroll to Legolas.

Aragorn eyed the scroll intently where it rested in the elf's hand.

"Do you believe it safe to contemplate looking inside?" Legolas asked warily.

"Open it! I shan't be tormented with the knowledge that I ran up two levels of Minas Tirith, to deliver a scroll to a pointy eared elf only to have him 'contemplate' it!"

Aragorn nodded, "Come, put our friend out of his misery."

Slowly Legolas unrolled the small scroll and said, "I pray to Eru this is no dark trick. See how it glows?"

"If it is a personal message, then do not feel obligated to share." Said Aragorn.

Gimli had settled himself on a low rock where he could observe his two companions.

Legolas said, "Of course I would hide nothing from those people closest to my heart." But as he refocused his attention on the scroll his face paled, which was quite a feat for the Sylvan elf. And his gray eyes looked utterly flabbergasted.

"What is it?" The mortals asked eagerly.

Legolas let the scroll fly up on itself, "Nothing you should concern yourself about."

Aragorn and Gimli exchanged a look that Legolas pointedly ignored. The three companions spent the rest of the morning together discussing the city (on which Aragorn had an endless list of strange things to vent about). They talked of Mirkwood's condition since the war had ended. Legolas praised his father Tharanduil's patience and insight. Briefly they debated on the best techniques of carving stone to be fair to Gimli, who had little interest in politics.

When they had parted ways Legolas picked up a brisk pace till he found a secluded area. His eyes darted furtively around and he flicked the scroll open.

**Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!  
HA! Ahem.**

**Dear Legolas Greenleaf,  
it is I! The Authoress here to send you to meet your fellow blondies!  
(Any attempts to flee will be dissuaded in a potentially painful manner)**

**Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!  
HA! Ahem.  
**

**Please count to three using your toes.  
(While pinching your nose)  
Forget not my not-prose  
and crush the red rose!  
**

**Muwahahahaha… haha… ha- nevermind.**

**Best wishes, the Authoress  
**

_What red rose?_ Without knowing why Legolas carefully counted to three on his toes, keeping his thumb and forefinger dutifully on his nose. When the mountainous task was done he stopped and thought, _Now what?_ Out of nowhere a stunning _red_ rose fell right next to his little toe. Picking it up he speculated, _Do I still pinch my nose?_ Just to be on the safe side he continued to pinch his nose while he crushed the perfect, soft flower of his doom.

**POOF! **

**Well that was fun.  
Let's see what the wonderful  
Draco Malfoy is doing in  
his life…**

Destination: The Alternate Universe of the Real World

Draco Malfoy was admiring his sleek hair greased back so that it shone with a err… shiny light.

He quietly muttered, "Potter and his dumpy friends will pay one day for the indignity I have suffered."

Conveniently forgetting that he had chosen to serve the evil Moldy Voldy, he then practiced his different facial expressions that included: Smug, indifferent and angry. He called to one of the lowly slaves, house elves naturally, and ordered the "little wretch" to fetch his black suit.

It had been a month since Moldy Voldy had been casually trampled to dust by Potter. Honestly, Voldy was a pathetic excuse for a wizard pure blood or not, only the truly low could have been beaten by a child raised by muggles. Draco of course knew that he was far superior and had knowledge under his wand that would make a Death Eater go crying for mommy in a voice that even Potter couldn't top. Cleared of any imperfections like an uneven eyebrow or repulsive black heads, Draco was ready to face the day.

Lucius Malfoy was flipping through the newspaper with the detached air that his son always imitated. He didn't speak when Draco passed through the lavish living space, too many things of importance on his mind… _Was that a dirty fingernail? Where is that thrice-blasted elf?_

"But _Mother_, everyone looks at me with absolutely none of the respect that my lineage calls for!"

Before Narcissa could reply to her son one of the house elves came to her warily, not meeting eye contact. Without acknowledging the elf's presence Narcissa took the white envelope from the creature's grubby hands. The paper was white as a Patronus Charm, no crest or embellishment adorned the envelope, but in exquisite gold leaf lettering there was the name "Draco Malfoy." The gold lettering impressed her so much she handed the envelope to her son without question and ordered the house elf to clean up the kitchen while she went shopping. Draco snatched the envelope and stomped up the spiral staircase in his three story mansion. Plopping down with an annoyed sigh he unceremoniously ripped the light weight envelope open.

**Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!  
HA! Ahem.**

**Dear Draco Malfoy,  
I am the Authoress who has now controlled your life and every action since this morning when you were primping your hair. It is for your hair that you have been chosen to come meet your fellow blondies.**

**Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!  
HA! Ahem.**

**Now, count to three on your toes  
(While pinching your nose)  
Ignore your dad's shows  
and crush the green hose.**

**Please understand that you have no choice in the matter and any cursing and attempts to flee will be censored. **

**Best wishes, the Authoress**

Draco did curse but as you should know, no cursing will make any appearance in this story. For reasons unknown to Draco he plucked off his immaculate leather boots (black of course) and counted to three while pinching his nose. His attempts were futile in successfully ignoring his father.

Meanwhile: _NOOOOO! The other nail!  
__

What in the same of the Basilisk was a hose? It was probably some muggle contraption, only reason why it would sound so ridiculous. He blinked, and there was a green, rubbery kind of rope on the ground that resembled a snake. Rolling his eyes he whipped out his wand and said, _"Incendio!"_ The rope burst into flames.

While This Was Going On: _NOOOOO! My polished-  
__

**You don't really want to listen to Lucius now do you? Oh wait, I'm forgetting something!**

Draco Malfoy stared at the burning rope with sickening satisfaction. Then there was a-

**POOF! And he was POOFED away.**

The room contained nothing but the sound of a slowly enlarging fire.

**Let's go see the Lady Alyss now!**

Location: Castle Redmont, Araluen

"Horace! There you are!" Alyss Mainwaring was hosting a reunion which involved her former ward mates. Now that Horace was here, they only needed George. The pale blonde ushered the famous warrior into the room where Will and Jenny were already seated.

"Hello my special friends!"

Will looked at Horace with a strange expression on his face. Jenny merely giggled and proceeded to bring in their dinner.

A knock on the door interrupted anything more that might have been said and Alyss soon had George seated as well.

"Sorry I'm late, I decided to pick up my share of the mail. When word got out I was coming to see you all they decided to give yours as well." Soon everyone had a fair stack of neat envelopes and packages except Alyss.

"Nothing for me?" She asked innocently.

"Oh! Oh yes! This fine piece would be for you lady!" Bowing with a flourish at the waist George handed a pure white envelope to Alyss. Everyone, naturally wanted to see where such a clean letter came from. Jenny who was sitting next to Alyss watched eagerly as Alyss broke the seal.

"What's 'TA' stand for?" Will wondered aloud.

"Shhh!" Jenny hushed him.

They leaned closer to as the expression on Alyss's face changed to one of indifference. She hastily stuffed the letter away into her own bag and said "Nothing of importance." Her was voice breezy and light.

Naturally that meant it was something extremely important, but they all knew better than to press for answers from Alyss.

By bedtime when everyone was going to their assigned rooms Alyss had completely forgotten about the letter. However the Authoress who controlled her every thought and action couldn't let such a thing stand and waited until the blond haired woman was just closing her eyes…

Alyss was suddenly reminded of the letter, for some reason the nonsense in the letter seriously scared her. But better get it over with now else she was sure she wouldn't be able to get to sleep.

**Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!  
HA! Ahem.**

**Dear Alyss Mainwaring,  
You have never heard of my name before but I am she who is called the Authoress (TA).  
I am sending this letter as a generous warning that your life is about to take a drastic change for the ****worse****weird**** wonderful. You are going to be involved in a new experiment where you will meet your fellow blondies.**

**Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!  
HA! Ahem.**

**I hope that you appreciate my attempts to be as gentle and diplomatic as the essence of my personality will allow.**

**Please count to three on your toes  
(while pinching your nose)  
Don't sing while the wind blows  
and crush the silver crow. **

**Best wishes, the Authoress**

**P.S. ANY ATTEMPTS TO AVOID YOUR FATE WILL BE DEALT WITH APPROPRIATELY!**

_What?_ Once again the Authoress exerted her power over the Araluen diplomat and Alyss complied with the instructions and observed that her nose was cold. Off came one of the soft blue shoes so that she could see her pale toes. She heard the wind whistling and resisted the urge to whistle along. Then a silver object shot into the air and plummeted behind her, forcing her to turn around to view the _queerest_ bird. For one thing is was large, had its eyes closed and was lying on her floor. Oh and it was silver. Plus dead, making it just a tiny bit weirder, but Alyss had faced Wargs before, she was not going to back down! Tentatively she pushed the bird with her foot that still had a slipper on.

**POOF!  
And our friend with the one shoe was whisked away…**

**On to Eragon! Muwahahahaha!**

Location: Unknown**  
**  
_Doo-dee-doo!  
We love you!  
Wash your shoe,  
because it's covered in GOO!  
OH doo-dee-doo!_

With a groan Eragon Shadeslayer rolled out of bed. His window was open to the large courtyard (that could easily fit ten Saphiras) where he could hear one of the younger students babbling.

_Good morning Saphira._

Good morning Little One.

So, what is the state of this land?

Well Blödhgarm wanted me to tell you that the little dragon Mirlandra and her Rider Seto seemed to need to be reassured.

They will find their confidence eventually.

Are you ready for this afternoon's gathering?

"Shadeslayer!" It was Blödhgarm. The elf's blue fur was… bristling. Instantly Eragon knew that something very bad must have happened.

"What was it this time?"

"A strange figure dressed in a black cloak came up to me and said to give this to you." He handed Eragon a heavy package and rushed away.

_That was strange._ He commented to Saphira. Oh well. If Blodhgarm hadn't found anything weird (since the elf wouldn't have been so foolish on his own to give a strange contraption to Eragon without checking it right?) then it must be safe.

He ripped it open. And there was a mirror. It had a silver back with the inscription "TA" on the back. Several flourishes accompanied each letter. He turned it over, cast a few spells just in case and at last settled himself on his bed. Now satisfied, Eragon gazed into the reflective surface, and to his astonishment there appeared on the "screen" words. Unable to tear his gaze away, he _wisely_ ignored Saphira's warning and allowed his mind to become immersed in the mirror's depths… Because all mirrors do that right? The image a hooded figure appeared.

**Muwahahahaha… haha… haha!  
HA! Aherm.**

**Kvetha Fricai Eragon Shadeslayer/Argetlam/Kingkiller/Firesword!  
****I send this message to you through space and time  
****My apologies, wrong space story.**

**You have been specially chosen for a historical event.  
"The Meeting of the Blondes." It is an experiment.**

**I hope it will prove beneficial and amusing to the people on FF.**

**Saphira will not be coming with you. Any attempts to flee will result in you going back in time and never finding Saphira's egg.**

**Now:**

**Please count to three on your toes  
(while pinching your nose)  
A spell to change your hair goes  
very well with my plan you know!**

**Best wishes, the Authoress (TA)**

Eragon stared. Saphira roared, finally getting into his mind.

_Eragon I know what you're thinking!_

But Eragon paid her no mind. He said a quick spell in the Ancient Language. Nothing happened. Because the Authoress wanted something far more entertaining to happen.

A bucket of bleach hovered over his head, drawing nearer… and NEARER. _Splash!_

**And our friend (minus his blue dragoness) was whirled away into the great unknown…**

**Hello Reader,  
I am TA. The Authoress.  
If you haven't already figured it out-**

**I have decided to organize a historic event, bringing blondes from the best stories together. To see how they mingle…**

**I hope this information proves beneficial to your mental health.**

**Sincerely,**

**~TA**

**Author's Note: Hey guys, this is my first attempt at humor. It's not exactly a parody…  
The list of unfortunates are:**

Legolas (from Middle Earth)  
Draco (from Harry Potter)  
Alyss (from Ranger's Apprentice)  
Eragon (From Inheritance Cycle)

This is just some fun rambles that I'm not too serious about. This story is a convenient place where I can put all my dying brain cells into. Next chapter is when we actually get the blondies together. And yes IC fans, they are _**all**_** blonde. ;)**


	2. Many Meetings

**Many Meetings**

"You can't mean it!" The young man's gasp of horror caused Alyss to snicker.

"Of course I mean it! Why else would I have said it?"

"Maybe he hoped for a little leniency from, and I don't mean this as an offense, a _girl_." The third voice chimed in innocently.

The look Alyss gave Eragon distinctly reminded him of Saphira when she was hungry.

Draco was still shaking, and his pale skin had morphed into a strange color… Could it be green?

All three figures stopped… pivoted (Draco did a 360)… and stared as huge explosion of green fire descended from the sky, a familiar POOF sounded before the flames receded.

And out stepped the bane of all Gary-Stu's. The Prince of Mirkwood! The Slayer of Oliphaunts! The Bearer of the Lorien Bow… Legolas Greenleaf.

Of course the others had never had the privilege of watching Lord of the Rings, or reading the books, and so could not understand the meaning of this shining arrival. For the arrival of the elf meant… Formal greetings.

"Atra esterní ono thelduin fricai-vodhr." May good fortune rule over you honored friend.

The elf appeared puzzled by Eragon's greeting. "Mani ume lle quena?" What did you say?

Eragon shook his head, confused as to why this elf should not know standard etiquette.

Legolas, instead of replying, turned to Alyss and Draco, who had proceeded to wrestle each other to the ground.

"I thought you didn't mean it!" Pretending to ignore Draco's pleas Alyss scooped up a handful of dry dirt and proceeded to sprinkle it over the thrashing body. When she had finished to her satisfaction she sprang away from her pitiful victim to survey her work.

Draco stood and instantly felt over his body for injuries. Upon finding a strange substance on his robes he stopped and let out a shriek.

"What did you do exactly?" Eragon asked Alyss. Content for the moment to let the issue with the newcomer slide.

"I got him dirty." She presented this fact with no regret.

Legolas decided that he had most certainly entered another world. Why else would people talk so strangely?

"_Because you're in another world. And_-"

The Authoress broke off and yelled at the writhing shape on the ground,

"OH QUIT YOUR SHRIEKING!"

All movement ceased. All figures were frozen in their positions. A cloaked figure was resting on a magical cloud of swirling black dust and silver sparkles.

They all tried to blink, but found their eyes held to be held open by… plot holes. Those little nuances that end up being important. However The Authoress felt that she could let these plot holes stay. They were so convenient. She smiled, but of course they couldn't see the smile, she did have a cloak on, with the hood obscuring her face. The menacing figure focused on Draco.

"_You really were a terrible villain!"_

She had originally planned on explaining things, as an answer to Legolas's question you see. But then Draco's sounds of agony got on her nerves. And now she thought it was time to start speaking like a normal person.

"Hello. I am The Authoress. You are the participants in my first ever experiment titled 'The Meeting of the Blonds,' you were all chosen for you excessively fair hair, or in the unique case of having a fair mind." A pointed look went towards Eragon along with a raised eyebrow. Suddenly the four found they could move again.

"I don't have blonde hair!" Eragon said, but then he looked confused (which is something he does often), "Or at least, I didn't this morning."

"Pah! Muggles. You're all so hopeless!" Draco started hunting through his black suit, he needed his wand to blast these people…

"Sir, I have known you for scarcely five minutes thrice two… But I feel it is my duty to inform all those with no sight what is in front of their faces…"*

*^Legolas's attempt at politely pointing out that Eragon was ignoring the obvious.  
_

"Whatever you are… sir… you must be a highly renowned scribe from wherever it is you come from, but with me gilded words will gain no favor."**

**^Alyss's attempt at politely…. Ahh you know what I mean.  
_

"I'm not sure I rightly understand your words." Said the elf with his usual poise.

"Nevermind." Whilst this "bonding" was going on The Authoress had summoned a silver mirror. She benevolently handed it to Eragon.

The young man's fingers shot to his head with elven speed. Because he is part elf you know. But both of his parents are human you know. And you know the story, so you know, this information is pointless.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

"Whatever can you mean?" A smile was hidden in her words.

Eragon tried to explain, but found that he couldn't speak. In order to prevent any further time wasting concerning Eragon's hair (he's hogging all the screen time!) The Authoress decided to place a spell on him so that he couldn't talk, and solve the problem.

Draco whipped out his wand (It had taken him more than 19 sentence stoppers to find it). "Incendio!" Flames spurted from the tip of his wand, only to dissipate immediately in the air.

"Ya know… You are _way_ too fond of that spell. Can't you do anything else?" Boredom was something The Authoress never went through, she had been brought up to believe that "Boredom is a choice." But seriously… "This dude has a long ways to go before he could be termed as evil." She _accidently_ let the last line slip out into speech.

Indignant and furious Draco spat, "But I tormented Potter and his friends in school, I was the main antagonist for countless chapters and interludes! All of my humane parts only emphasized my descent into madness."

"Ew." Flicking away the spittle from her dress Alyss turned to the pure blooded elf.

"Excuse me… But we never learned your name. I'm Alyss Mainwaring, Courier of Araluen."

"A pleasure to meet you fair lady, I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. I would inquire as to your mission here… but since we're all in the same boat so to speak, what are your tasks as a Courier?"

Then the two regal "I-Am-Cool-And-Always-Dignified-No-Matter-What" figures sat down and discussed the pros and cons of a social life involving royalty and leaders of the land.

Draco decided that if his wand didn't work, he didn't need it. So he threw it away, it never landed. The Authoress cupped her hands like one of those sound cones that makes your voice sound electronic and eerily narrated the rest of the tale…

_"But he never thought this was strange._

_(In fact he didn't think at all.)_

_Because he died."_

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF YOU-KNOW-WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"Nothing. Sorry. Couldn't help myself."

The Authoress watched the interactions between the blondes, trying to gauge their strengths and weaknesses, who liked who more, who would react to her experiments in the most interesting way… Finally she figured she had learned enough to come up with a wonderfully epic quest for the four. Excitement sparked from her eyes… and she realized that she was burning the grass. Excitement is such a burning thing.  
_

"We're going too far south!" Eragon crossed his arms.

"No, the map says there will be a large stone formation that looks like a foot." The tall girl stared at him levelly.

"Muggles… Filthy little elves that are too tall…" No dialogue tags needed.

"Come now everyone, I have thousands of years on you. I've helped plan wars." As Eragon and Alyss debated about what direction they should take Legolas tried to convince them that as he had the most experience he was the logical choice for leadership.

"So have I!_ I_ was the Hero!" Eragon said smugly.

"You think I learned how to use this blade by cutting cheese?" Alyss had been given a sabre by TA; Legolas, a bow and arrows; Eragon, Brisingr; and Draco, a cooking set with no food to cook.

"Muggles… Do they ever learn how to use common sense?"

"Do you ever say anything of importance?" Exasperation plain in her voice Alyss promptly dropped down on a fallen tree covered with moss. The shadows of the trees fell on the composting leaves that looked pathetic and shriveled.

With The Classic Sigh that comes into every heroic story, Eragon sat down.

Legolas proceeded to pace, keeping his mind tuned to the trees as they whispered nonsense. What on earth could they mean by "Go Green!" "Environment Awareness" and the perplexing word "Recycle?"

And our villain from the wizarding world proceeded to stomp around the forest, occasionally tripping, and generally waiting for his life to return to normal.

**Hi it's me. TA.  
Due to complaints from my main intelligence source, called BrightWatcher…  
I have decided to tone down my role.  
So you will be…  
Seeing…  
Less…  
of…  
me.  
Possibly.**

**Author's Note: Well I know this isn't a very exciting story… But it's a fun diversion for me.  
Hopefully it proves to be amusing to some of you. Thanks to ZXEclipse, and Cretha Loesing for reviewing and for those who put me on their alerts list. And thank you to those who favorited! I can say that I was pleasantly shocked to have such a phenomenon happen more than once for a single chapter. 0.0 Cheers!**


	3. A Footnote

**A Footnote**

"You guys… this is shaping up to be an interesting morning." Alyss stared at the map intently.

"Why do you say that fair maiden?" Legolas sprang to his feet and made his way over to her.

Eragon also perked up but as he was supposedly on "guard duty" and could not go over to see what the issue was. He heard a few gasps, and at first thought it was because of the burning smell coming from Draco's cooking. Shame on Alyss for murdering those poor bunnies! To his horror Legolas was not only unschooled in the ways of the elves, he was not a vegan! When attacked on this point Legolas eyed him cautiously and said, "Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. We must do our duty to end this violence, eat bacon." The bleached boy had nothing to say to this.

"What is it?" he called.

Legolas came over to him with the map and pointed, "Read this note that TA put here."

"You should see the note—I can't make it out – foot? I thought we assumed it meant 'You should see the noteworthy foot formed' and that it must be some foot shaped statue or something?"

"Indeed. But Alyss decided to investigate the map further. And she found a footnote."

"OH."

"Indeed. It said nothing really."

"WHY?"

"Indeed if only we knew…"

"Wait, if there was footnote, then there must have been something there."

"Indeed there was a note, it extended the whole length of the foot long map."

"And the note was-?"

"Indee-"

"Would you stop that?"

"Indee- I mean yes of course. Anyways the note said, 'Mind your feet.'"

The two men sat and pondered this phenomenal turn of events. Then the bunnies expostulated.

"DRACO! I told you they had to be watched or they'd burn!" Eragon called absentmindedly licking his fingers, then realized what he was licking and stopped.

Legolas took one of his arrows and began to work a piece of the blackened meat from a tree trunk.

Alyss brought over some water to Eragon and Legolas. They ate silently while Draco tried to urgently scrape the remnants of the bunnies from his suit only to give up when he came across an ear.

"Nice weather out here huh?" Eragon grinned. At the sight of his blackened teeth from the charred bunny the others drew back.

"Lovely." Alyss smiled sweetly.

They all stumbled on the rough ground. As they scrambled to their feet a shadow was cast over them.

"Valar!"

"You must be joking."

They all stared.

In front of them was a footnote. An honest to goodness ten foot tall footnote. Right where it was supposed to be according to the map.

_"That's _what it meant." Awe tinged Alyss's voice as she peered up at the immense… thing.

"I've not seen such a thing in all my millennia alive!"

"You're joking right?" Alyss asked taking the time to glance at him.

"No."

**Watching from a tree BrightWatcher face palmed and sent TA a reminder that they needed to stay on track with the story, and decided to have a talk with her concerning her choice of characters. All of whom seemed to be developing weird habits concerning meat and vegetarianism. She hated to think of what would happen if Alyss developed one. Then she remembered that she had picked the characters and had no one to blame but herself. Oh she hated irony – when it applied to her.**

Draco by this time had shed his suit to reveal the "Beedle the Bard's 2009 Collector's Edition" pajama outfit, complete with "Babbity Rabbity" on the pants and the "Hallows" symbol on the shirt right where the heart was_. This _was why the bunnies got burnt. Draco had a secret affection for all things soft and fuzzy that hopped. In his mind he couldn't stand the thought of watching those bunnies sizzle.

To the others credit they did not comment on his attire and merely strove not to snicker.

"Want a snickers bar?" Alyss asked randomly while extending the delightful, crunchy, chewy candy bars.

"But Alyss we're supposed to not snack on snickers! Else we might be snicker-snacked!"

Legolas giggled and said in his best balloon voice, "Fly you fools!"

Rolling her eyes Alyss said, "Well why do you think I found them in my pack? And what does 'snicker-snack!' mean?"

Legolas giggled and said (_still) _in his best balloon voice, "Death! Death! Death!"

"Come on Alyss from Lewis Carroll's "The Jabberwocky?" Okay Legolas I think it's time we took those balloons away from you." Eragon took them away only to have Legolas dissolve into a snit.

"MYYYYY PRECIOUSSSSS! WE WANTSSS THEM BACKSSESS! GIVE IT BACK! LegOOm, LegOOm!"

"No Legolas Greenleaf! Can't you see that they're corrupting you?" Eragon pleaded.

"Snickers?" Alyss offered again.

Eragon hesitated.

Draco let out a very strained giggle.

Eragon took one without question.

Draco began to pet a clump of soft moss that felt like rabbit fur.

Eragon choked. "Isn't that what I'M supposed to do?" But no, our Dragon Rider had already had his bunny obsession way back in Ellesmera, before he became annoyingly perfect in everything but his head. Remember that soft patch of moss in the forest with the elves that don't like to talk too loud?

Finally he couldn't stand Legolas's raving any longer and began to send bolts of blue fire at Legolas who was beginning to talk about fish. Instead of silencing the elf… Oh horrors of horrors…

_"You shout it out,  
But I can't hear a word you say  
I'm talking loud not saying much  
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet  
You shoot me down, but I get up_

_I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose_  
_Fire away, fire away_  
_Ricochet, you take your aim_  
_Fire away, fire away_  
_You shoot me down but I won't fall_  
_I am titanium_  
_You shoot me down but I won't fall_  
_I am titanium!"_

Legolas's breathtakingly beautiful cover of "Titanium" by David Guetta (ft. Sia) did not charm Eragon. He took another offered snickers bar.

**Still watching from a tree BrightWatcher sent a pointed glare at TA. Sighing TA pressed the "Comic Relief" button and things returned to normal. "You have to admit that was funny." She giggled.**

The four gathered souls stared at each other. Draco was dressed in the weirdest clothing, some weird rabbit all over his pants with moss clenched in his fist. Alyss was possessively clutching a bag of snickers candy, Eragon was chewing with his mouth partially open (he was in the middle of shouting "Brisingr!"), and Legolas was twisted on the ground with red marks on his face that looked suspiciously like fingernail trails.

"Shall we read the footnote?" Alyss asked presently.

After an awkward muttering of assent she peered at it, then had Legolas and Eragon work on it who could use their elven powers of enhanced vision.

After some discussion Legolas read,

_"If you have found this footnote, well done. I have a quest for you all. You must follow the map from this footnote to the climax (which is marked in gold on the map). That is all. I wish you well and watch out for plot holes and loose threads. I have a life insurance card for all of you from my main source in case there should be a fatality._

_Best wishes!_

_~The Authoress"_

"Time to go." It sounded like Legolas's multipolar personality coming through.

"No joke master of Legilimens." Draco animated the blankets from their packs. "Everybody on. The faster I'm out of here the nastier my temper will get."

**Author's Note: Well I never made promises, but I feel guilty anyways for not updating. I've spent some time plotting out what I want to do with this story in the future and I'm very excited. :D Please feel free to mention any mistakes in my story like misspellings and such. I was rereading this story and was dismayed to see so many errors.**

**Legolas's (tampered with) Bacon quote is not mine. Nor is the song Titanium or snickers bars. A Legilimens if you remember HP fans, is somebody who invades your mind, the defense of such an attack is called Occlumency.**

**Thank you very much to those who reviewed, followed, added this to their favorites list, or took the time to read this.**


	4. Ahh Love

**Ahh Love…**

"So Eragon, do you have anybody _special?"_ Alyss gave him a teasing look and batted her eyelashes.

"That is a very good question…" Eragon gave the Classic Sigh of Depression and sat down. Because we know that when you're in the middle of a quest you randomly drop down in the middle of the day. But wait! It's always conveniently evening, or early in the morning. So we shall make this… evening; to help with the mood.

"What about you Alyss? You're a beautiful girl."

"I'm married actually."

"That's good correct?"

"It is a wonderful thing." Alyss went off into the Dreamy Gaze that lovesick teenage girls get when talking about Taylor Lautner.  
_  
_-On her sparkly cloud TA shuddered. BrightWatcher only shrugged and said, "It's true_."_

"What's your husband like?" Eragon leaned in eagerly.

"He smart and charming, very clever, has a way of making friends with everybody, and he's been my closest friend since we were young children."

"That's lovely my Lady." Legolas was standing watch. "Tell us more about your lady, Eragon."

Alyss leaned in eagerly.

-TA copied her.

Eragon only gazed into the distance and murmured woefully, "She is everything… beautiful, talented, wherever she goes the scent of crushed pine needles lingers… Deadly in battle and sensitive with her closest friends…"

"And?" Alyss held her breath, a light breeze blew their fair hair about.

"She does not feel the same."

"Aww…" Everybody let out a collective groan of disappointment.

Nobly not lingering on his suffering Eragon turned to Legolas, "What is your story?"

He blinked. "Why, in all my centuries alive I've never met somebody I've been willing to give my heart to. Besides, the lady would have to be of the fairer race and most of them sailed to Valinor, never to return."

The awkward silence was broken when Draco moodily said, "At least you all have something interesting to contribute. My love life is nothing but a pain."

"Why's that?" Alyss asked politely.

"My only romantic interest so far in my life has been with some silly prune who's constantly moaning about her hair."

"You loved a prune? If it had hair it was a relationship doomed to be short lived anyways." They all turned to look at Eragon. He shrugged. "It's true."

Legolas cleared his throat, "Have you ever felt deeply for somebody?"

"I can't say I have." Draco nodded thoughtfully. "So elf boy, you can't tell me you've never liked a girl in all of your 'centuries alive?'"

"I can actually."

"Wait!" Alyss shot up to her feet. "I know! You like somebody, but she's all-ready taken!"

"Hardly." Legolas's aura was unruffled.

"Come on…" She strode over to stare at him.

"I'd rather not say."

"Warmer… warmer…" Eragon grinned and hopped to his feet. Draco twisted around so that he could see Legolas.

"It was never meant to be. In fact she's not even tangible. Her voice is soft, and her hair is a silvery white curtain."

-TA glared at BrightWatcher. "You're writing a Mary Sue aren't you?!" BrightWatcher merely said, "Keep going."

"What's her name?" Alyss asked.

"Her name… she has many, but in the tongue of my people we call her_, ëar."_

"What does that mean?" Eragon had a fixed expression on his face.

"Sea."

"How lovely and romantic!"

Legolas smiled knowingly.

-TA facepalmed. "You _didn't_." BrightWatcher grinned, "Aren't I so clever?"

And all the world was silent…

Then everyone was rudely jolted awake.

"OMYGOSH IT'S MAY FIFTH!" The Authoress began to bounce and twirl eagerly.

With wide eyes Eragon stared at her capering about. Were those… sparkles she was tossing from her hands?

A rainbow appeared. BrightWatcher came sliding down (the rainbow). "May the Fourth be with you." She said solemnly.

"NO NO NO IT'S THE REVENGE OF THE FIFTH!"

"And this is entirely the wrong story!"

"It's not even May 6th anymore." Alyss tossed her hair.

"AWWW…" Eragon moaned in disappointment.

**Author's Note:**

IT'S ME. :D

Ok this chapter was going to be for Valentines Day. I know, major facepalm there for me. Then I thought, it's the Revenge of the Fifth! I can celebrate my new love for Star Wars. Once again. Facepalm.

So, here at last is a nice, short little chapter of nothingness. The sparkles are my minions. The rainbow is a nod to my new love for MLP. Rainbow Dash is the best. Yes it is possible to be awed and in love with LOTR and watch MLP at the same time. I'm a diverse person.

**_Thank you so much for everyone who reviewed_**. Though I must say this out here:

_**I know that Eragon isn't blonde.**_** *huge sigh* He has brown hair in the books, blonde in that atrocious movie. However for the purposes of this story I made him blonde, see the first chapter and even the beginning of the second for details on his transformation. I couldn't think of anyone who was naturally blonde in the IC aside from a few elves who have **_**silver**_** hair. As much as I love Nari, I decided that Eragon was far more amusing to write, I've always wanted to make fun of him like everyone else on here.**

Aside from that, if anyone spots any glaring grammatical errors (as I keep discovering and editing out) or confusing points of this nonexistent plot,

_**please please please**_** tell me and I will work to fix them. **** Thank you very much for reading! I dare say I talk more in the author's notes than I actually write. O.o**


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